1. There's this guy, right? Or this girl, it doesn't matter. What matters is they are super smart and well located in this really obscure field of something like pretzel physics. They are also emotional islands where no one ever, ever, ever loved them except one person. But they are dead, or they shafted them hardcore.
2. There is this government conspiracy, or there is this big organization that is being covered up by the government. And they've concocted a plan which is anywhere from 2 months to 3,000 years in the making.
3. For some reason, this plan would totally have kicked butt save for the fact that this solo individual existed.
4. Oh, and his/her trusty sidekick (if more than one kill off others).
5. Oh, and that member of the opposite sex that is so totally hot and stirring that love member that hasn't been used. This person just so happens to understand the light speed of salt as it refracts off the pretzels that the government has used in a conspiracy to dupe the people into believing cheese is a dairy product.
6. Somewhere along the line the main character decides they need to involve a:
a. Stupidly rich person who has dedicated their lives to pretzels.
b. Unbelievably well connected individual who hold the keys to the gates of heaven or a missile.
c. Someone who pretty much has a massive ego complex and unlimited credit.
7. That individual has some sort of axe to grind.
8. There is a secondary axe grinding figure who is set up to look as though their axe is bigger... and...
8. That individual may also have some sort of connection with an individual who is a straight-up trained killer. This trained killer may or may not have trained killer friends.
9. Now that you have main character, trusty sidekick, sexy person, eccentric person, secondary eccentric, a conspiracy, and a trained killer, you start your story.
10. Everything is true. Seriously, look it up in wikipedia.
11. The main character should be close to death multiple times. One of those times needs to involve tight, enclosed spaces and water. This is because this person fears tight, enclosed spaces and water and never in a MILLION YEARS get near them. Except for that one time, with the sexy person.
12. If it were not for the trusty sidekick and/or sexy person, they would've died. Mercifully, they recall obscure facts in intense pressure situations and on very little sleep.
13. The bad eccentric person (aka one with trained killer friends) likes to encrypt their voice when they talk to their trained killer friends. Or send notes. Or maybe kittens with actions to kill lovingly glued to their tails.
14. Somewhere along the line one of the eccentric people has to die, but ARE THEY DEAD?
15. When the bad person is revealed they sit down and tell them everything about themselves, their history, history of the plot, how the plot was way foolproof, what temp they like their steak at....
16. But just before the trained killer or the bad eccentric person kills them (usually the trained killer does something stupid like shoot daisies instead of bullets)...
17. The main character solves the puzzle/calls the military/wins Publisher Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
18. The trusty sidekick is given a smack on the rear and sent packing.
19. Then they have naughty fun time with the sexy person.
The end.
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Oh my god. Cheese isn't a dairy product? :(
ReplyDeleteThey've had you all along, man. Cheese is from the moon.
ReplyDelete