What to get people for Christmas from England.

I'm less than a week and a half away from returning to The States.

The States. In my kingdom we'd call that Florida or Texas. Here, it is generically referred to as "The States."

Do you know, lots of British people go to "The States" to buy shoes? I bet you didn't. I can name three people who have. But I digress...

One of the key problems I am running up against currently is what to purchase for Christmas. Now seeing as I am going home I figure I should complete Christmas well before Christmas. No mad dash Christmas Eve run for me... if that were possible here... but that's another story. My goal is to be done with all shopping for people in, as I have so placed quotes around, "The States."

Sitting at the pub this evening I discussed at length what to purchase. I've been referred to Harrods (http://www.harrods.com/HarrodsStore/Default.aspx?CID=ppc). But, I will say this and so will countless others... no person in their right British mind shops at Harrods. You buy tourist gifts from Harrods and that is what you do. Unless you are wealthy and therefore can afford the other items at Harrods which include... no joke... £1,000 Christmas crackers. They are there... seriously. But they do have an excellent card shop, which I recommend. (and all the posh people shop at Harvey Nichols) I have also been directed to Fortnum and Mason ( http://www.fortnumandmason.com/). They have been in business longer than the United States has existed. And they have tea and various English things that no one ever purchases each other if you are in England. Except, again, for Christmas crackers. Which, based on my state of wine, is currently the most awesome thing in England ever. How paper crowns and bad jokes and cheap gifts qualify as awesome is beyond me, but alas I am American... therefore they are awesome.

What we decided, in our incredibly inebriated state, was that I should create an authentic English experience. Thereby consisting of dragging them out to the closest bar/restaurant, plowing them with beer, making them sing and or scream rants at various sporting events, and eat chips (which in my kingdom are referred to as French Fries) as a means to soak alcohol between pints. We will then go on a 3 mile march in the rain to a random outdoor food vendor and eat kabob - or sandwich made of who knows what. At about 2 AM we will stumble home and either drink whisky or collapse, based on alcohol tolerance. Sometime about 3PM the next day a person will yell, "Oi! Get up you lazy bastards" and thus the experience will end with a nice cuppa and a warm bath followed by nibbles.

And that will be my Christmas gift. Though I doubt my grandmother would be into it. But it would be real. I could do a hybrid and serve whisky in lovely china, but it's not quite the same.